Thanks Anyway, Circler Reasoning

Muzzled tight upon my face, replaced with known “common grace.”

Tossing aside your empty beer, not as “compassionate” as you appear.

Used excuses “got through to you.”

Thanks anyway, I’ll be in a zombie zoom room.

See something, say something? “Facts checked” or is it fat checks?

Do you even know the difference between, “civil city riots”, “mostly peaceful”?

King’s echoed “content of character”, shat upon.

Self-masturbatory, “masters degree”, in the art of flies;

Flung in faces of rotting dry eyes.

Setting sun over a broken mirror.

Distributing disabled water, Molotov lit hate;

A reflection of abomination fate.

My Artwork Over The Last Four Years … 2.jpg?dl=0 … 2.jpg?dl=0 … 2.jpg?dl=0 … 2.jpg?dl=0 … 2.jpg?dl=0 … 3.jpg?dl=0 … 2.jpg?dl=0 

Exemplifies where my headspace/mental state has been (or lost) over the last four hellish years…

CV19 Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I’ve been reluctant to even post this, most have had issues with CV19 and the insane unnecessary ‘lock downs’ that did more to general mental health of many people than twenty 9/11’s ever could. The year 2020 that I couldn’t attend church was awful, I never miss services because that is where a lot of my mental, emotional and spiritual support has come from…

Online services were OK for 3 months but after this during the summer of 2020 I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital for the month of July 2020…

After this event my attendance was very sporadic, wearing unneeded masks and not being allowed to sing broke me…and I’ve come to realize this was and is part of the plan, to break the spirit of people…Tell me, how much sense did it make Lowes was open no masks but church’s were muzzled up? Or or oh you are not allowed to sing because of droplets what the heck? 

Does anyone notice how Christians, conservatives, 2A Folk, constitutionalists, and anti-jab folk are being blamed for everything that is wrong? It’s happened many times in history, blame society’s ills on a scape goat group of people…Happened in Ancient Rome, Communist Russia, Nazi Germany, Communist Cuba, Communist Venezuela and now The United Socialist States of America…

Most of 2021 I missed church even after the masks came off and services resumed, PTSD folks…I did go when I felt up to it, but I cannot count the number of Sundays that I ran out midway through the service sobbing and having a panic attack…Countless incenses of being in the church parking lot and cutting myself after my Xanax prescription was stopped…

2021 was hell, and when I try to talk to people to the church I’ve been attending for 10 years, very few respond, most don’t know what to say or do…I used to greet at the front doors before services, I used to sing my heart out, I used to never miss a single service…Now I’m a different person, more of a lifeless empty shell of myself…I still read my Bible daily, but many times the pages become tear stained and the words smudge but it reflects my heart…

God says he keeps my tears in a bottle, He says He’s close to the brokenhearted, to the crushed in sprit…And He truly is, Jesus is the reason I am still alive today, I’ve tried to take my life 3 times in the last two years, yet I’m not dead, but declaring God’s works in the land of the living…It’s been a shadow of death and bitter sweet, I am not afraid of much any more, I tire of the rhetoric, I tire of the lies and I echo what is said at the end of the Bible, ‘Come Lord Jesus, Come.’

His Ways

You God, are The Way,

Not a way, nor any truth, not any life.

You God are life in abundance.

Your thoughts are not mine,

Yet, You know the thoughts you have towards me.

Giving me a hope and a future in You Alone.

For You Alone God, Are The Way Maker,

You Alone Jesus, are Divine.

Your Love is sweeter than wine!

There is no High, like the Most High God.

You a Humble, Gentle but Just and Loving God.

Your Ways are Pure, in You Alone I am secure!

How Long Oh Lord

There isn’t going back to normal. We are not in the middle of anything remotely normal. Our choices are drying up, from drought in the west to the crops that fail in the bread basket of America. Do people apply their hearts to knowledge? Do they seek the ways of the Lord? Who is the accuser of the brethren?


Look at anything through the eyes of God, behold He is the Lord my God nothing is too hard for Him, He is the Lord Who dose not change, He knows the end from the beginning. No evil will befall me nether shall any plague come near my dwelling. I make the Most High my Dwelling Place.

My Depression has been just giving me hell, and yet, and yet. God, and yet God. Lord you know the longings of my heart and nothing is too hard for You.

I take the shield of faith and I quench every fiery dart that the wicked one brings against me. Ephesians 6:16

I Couldn’t Find Him

I dreamt last night of Gregory.

I was searching for him for I had questions.

But I couldn’t find him.

I called to him but he didn’t answer because he was gone.

I called to him but he was silent and I missed him.

I missed the strength of his presence,

the reliability of his knowledge,

the solidity of his person,

the steadiness of his gaze,

and the sound of his voice.

I called again, and slowly, in his own time, in his own way, far away, invisible, he answered.

Yes, Greg said. What is it? 

His voice answered.

Where have you gone? I asked. I need you.

Are you sure? He answered.

Yes, I said. I have questions for you. 

Greg you, the hope and the despair, 

the right and the wrong,

the light and the dark, 

the question and the answer. 

What do I do?

You carry on, Greg said.


You keep asking the questions. 

But, what is the answer? I asked.

I’ve shown you the answer:

The hope, the despair, the right, the wrong, the light, and the dark. 

All of it. The answer is My Love. 

In Memory of: Greggory

Giving Thanks 🙏🏻

‘tis the season to take care of what you have and be thankful for what you do have.

I have a roof over my head and I have clothes on my back. I have a working vehicle that I own and I’m working on paying it off. I have a phone that “halfway”works, but that’s OK because it still works and I’m not upgrading to the latest and greatest.

Unfortunately, I’ve found few are interested in helping say less hiring anyone that is autistic.

I’ve tried for 5 years had many honest “Burger flipping jobs” “cleaning toilets” etc. Now however, I’m “required” to get the clot shot if I want to be employed in anything.

I’ve tried religious exemption that hasn’t been honored. But, it’s OK I’m trying to keep my head up. 😇 🙏🏻

I think the scars that are on my arms from past and current self-injury (cutting dealing with stress and autism) scare people. This saddens me. I’m a kind, hard working, 38 year old woman struggling yes, but still trying to “make it happen.”

Love 💗 my neighbors, I just wish the same kindness was extended to one another and least of all me.

Podcast Number Two

So I’m having a bout of depression. I don’t know how to describe it. Feelings of anguish. That’s a really poor choice of words, but just an overwhelming sense of blah. I want to punch a hole in the wall or punch a hole in my my body.

I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.

It’s got to be a depression thing related to autism. I don’t know, but it’s frustrating. The only thing I can really do is is talk about it, even though it’s through a recording on a podcast to say that I feel like, like crap, and and that’s okay. I don’t want to have it turn into something that turns into another broken item in my room or a broken piece on my body in the form of a scar from a sharp object. I don’t want to self harm.

I want to mitigate this before it becomes that. And, you know, being busy helps, but all that really does is it makes things a holding tank to keep me distracted. That helps sometimes, but sometimes it doesn’t. And there’s a lot that goes on with autism that is just unexplainable. I can’t put it into words to find the words to explain the enormity of the amount of sensory overload that I have from the frustration.

It would kind of be like if I were a mute or if I didn’t have any vocal cords and I were trying to explain something to others. I can form the words, and I can form the thoughts, and the thought processes are all bare, and the inclination is there. It’s the same thing with the social world, with emotions. I can speak to others, but there’s a lot of unspoken things that are lost in translation. So it’s like I’m trying to communicate with people that are picking up smoke signals, if you will.

But I’m not trying to give then I don’t even know I’m giving off, and it’s frustrating. It’s maddening.

It’s why my entire body tells the story of years and decades of not being okay. The first time I ever self harmed was when I went away to College, and by that point I had reached such an apex that the first thought that came to mind was slice open your skin, and it helped. But it’s only a temporary thing, and it’s only a momentary release of I’m good when in fact, I’m not good. And as the years have gone on, my arms are covered in scar tissue, so I don’t know how deep it can get.

And I might not mean to at some point, but accidentally go too far.

And I have actually, but I believe that the Lord has been watching over me as far as my foolishness, my frustration, my inability to cope. I recently overdosed on Benadryl. This would have been two or 3 weeks ago. I didn’t go to the hospital. I didn’t die, but I was not able to talk.

The process of talking just stopped. There are studies that show extended Benadryl use just regular dose over a long period of time. It can lead to dementia. It can lead to cognitive decline as you get older or even in younger people, and it doesn’t metabolize out of the body the same way other things do. It sticks around a whole lot longer than other substances do, and because of that, it’s hard for it to be flushed out of the body.

If I were to go to the hospital, God forbid there would be little at that point they’d be able to do. Because I’ve read several studies where others are younger than me and a little bit older than me have over goes from Benadryl, but I just kind of withdrew throughout my life at different points in time. I’ve taken loads and loads. I’m talking like 100 milligrams a night to try to sleep. It doesn’t work.

Number one, number 2, it just what happened was as I’ve gotten I’m now 37 getting ready to turn 38 next month, September 20, 21. And the part of the brain that processes language and the ability to enunciate and speak those words was just it stopped. It stopped for four days and it scared the hell out of me. But it also I was writing things down and showing a notepad to other people so they could understand. It was embarrassing.

It was frustrating. I did a lot of crying, and there are still some moments where I have like, I don’t stutter, but I have a moment of not the same level, but just a glitch. If that makes any sense. It really was a miracle that nothing else happened to me, but that was a wake up call to not. I tend to overdose on common over the counter things like Robo Tustin or Bene Drill.

Probably not much else other than that. But those two things gave the Dextra Morphin gave me a buzz and it disconnected me, and the Benadryl disconnected me in the sense of putting me to sleep. And when I was in my teenage years, I abused ephedrine because it made me more social. I had more energy, and for a little brief period of time I lost some weight. But really I was drawn to it because of it made me more sociable, kind of a mask, if that makes any sense.

And I was a kid then, and it extended into my 20s in the form of ephedrine buying it online. I’ve taken Benadryl it in order to deal with or not not bother with life, not bother with my depression because it’s been that painful. It’s been that tormenting. I just want I want to sleep forever.

If I can.

I still feel like that? And the thing is, there’s not a pill. There’s not anything I can do to get away from that, other than honestly face this with face this with the Lord. Because without God, I’d be dead by now. I know that for a fact, I’ve wanted to die.

I have asked God to take me home early. Recently I have asked him that I can’t stand depression. I hate it. I hate despairing unto death. But guess what?

That’s nothing. That’s not uncommon to man because you read in the Scriptures. There are quite a few people that despaired unto death that we’re like. Okay, God, take me home. I’m ready to go now.

And God was like, No, I am your strength. I am your refuge. Seek me and I will carry you.

He has carried me, and I can’t carry myself anymore. I just can’t. I’ve been unemployed for since 2019. I was so desperate to work. I took a job that wasn’t suited to me, and I just couldn’t no matter how hard I tried.

My Heart ❤️‍🩹 Hurts

I don’t want to argue, I’m tired of justifying myself. I as a female with high functioning autism LOVE where I live, the city/suburb I’m in and wouldn’t change it for the world. The absolute last thing I’ve ever seen is skin color, orientation etc. It angers me frankly that ‘the devils that are’ on both sides regardless of liberal or conservative both sides are playing the blame game NO ONE very few are able to come to the table of reason and freaking talk. 


I say this as an observation the liberal side has gone so left they are now headed to the conservative side aka. those that were classical liberals classic feminist’s etc. no longer are represented, homsexuals that are moderate keep quiet classic Dixiecrats southern libertarians are quiet for the most part as well. 


It hurts my soul to see this happen, discourse is something that we are beyond because everyone has been under house arrest solitary confinement masked up and shut up for 15 months and we are all traumatized, and what I am seeing that is good actually people are tired of it and starting to reach out to one another. Most people are decent it’s the extreme 5 percent ON BOTH SIDES that screw things up for all else. We are not islands, we are American’s, we are the melting pot that has been through worse and both sides the upper elite are culling the population. It’s not conspiracy, it’s happening.


Why are people who got the jab dropping dead days later and not being reported on, why is something that is mutagenetic with no test trials being pushed on younger under 12? people when the older one’s over 50 have been found to react better to it?

How about those that had covid 19 in Oct. Nov. and Dec. of 2019 and have animmunity to it? They don’t need the jab. I remember my entire family being dog sick in December of 2019 and we ran fevers but are just fine now. My mom is a nurse got just one covid shot for her job security and hasbeen fine because she had it in Dec. 2019,and she’s not getting any unnecessary ‘boosters.’

What about Pat Robertson, John hagee, Franklem Gram etc. ‘Christian in name only leaders’ saying get the covid shot? Instead of ‘take it to the Lord in prayer, research it and make your own choice between you and God?’ ‍

Hello blood clots? Hello people dyeing of covid after the shot? Um, it’s not FDA approved, it’s emergency use for almost a year and a half now, both trump and biden are at fault both pushed through bail outs. No one wants to work, but get bail out funny money that will crash FIEAT paper means nothing, forget parednessness, no one thought to get oh bags of rice, solar generators that are quiet and don’t need gas, bottled water, a reverse water filter system, 15 gallon buckets, EMP proof their homes and cars in a cost affective way, not to hord all this stuff but to help others when the grid does go down because our country has not hardened our grid ever so we as citizens need to get smart and get solutions for where we are at that are practical...No one wants to look for solutions but point fingers and take from others and at the end of that is no one has anything and we kill off each other and yes, eat one another if starvation gets bad enough. Look at history and you’ll find this happen throughout out time when kingdoms and empires rose and fell.

Hello censorship and redefined history. OK then. 


Hello all vitamin shops,mom and pop stores, pharmacies etc. and small businesses being bought up by amazon and a few others to control control control…I could go on, but I believe the human population on BL have good heads their shoulders to critically reason and think. (put on your thinking cap) I’m dating myself but that’s what my teachers used to say all the time.

Blarg, I’ve been off all social media, all news, all of it because it is soul sucking and wastes my time. I want to help others, first myself, then those around me.

Some are stubborn and willfully ignorant people that I’ve come to see don’t want to do any of the above mentioned solutions and will because of their foolishness perish for it. I don’t want that for them but they have made their choice.

The parable of The road to destruction is wide and many there go, but the road to life is narrow and few find it dose not just apply to the afterlife, but to life now as we live it. Choose today what you will do, you’ll be better off doing the hard things now then when it’s too late. 😓