I Will Follow the Lamb

‘tis the season to take care of what you have and be thankful for what you do have.

I have a roof over my head and I have clothes on my back. I have a working vehicle that I own and I’m working on paying it off. I have a phone that “halfway”works, but that’s OK because it still works and I’m not upgrading to the latest and greatest.

Unfortunately, I’ve found few are interested in helping say less hiring anyone that is autistic.

I’ve tried for 5 years had many honest “Burger flipping jobs” “cleaning toilets” etc. Now however, I’m “required” to get the clot shot if I want to be employed in anything.

I’ve tried religious exemption that hasn’t been honored. But, it’s OK I’m trying to keep my head up. 😇 🙏🏻

I think the scars that are on my arms from past and current self-injury (cutting dealing with stress and autism) scare people. This saddens me. I’m a kind, hard working, 38 year old woman struggling yes, but still trying to “make it happen.”

Love 💗 my neighbors, I just wish the same kindness was extended to one another and least of all me.

So I’m having a bout of depression. I don’t know how to describe it. Feelings of anguish. That’s a really poor choice of words, but just an overwhelming sense of blah. I want to punch a hole in the wall or punch a hole in my my body.

I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.

It’s got to be a depression thing related to autism. I don’t know, but it’s frustrating. The only thing I can really do is is talk about it, even though it’s through a recording on a podcast to say that I feel like, like crap, and and that’s okay. I don’t want to have it turn into something that turns into another broken item in my room or a broken piece on my body in the form of a scar from a sharp object. I don’t want to self harm.

I want to mitigate this before it becomes that. And, you know, being busy helps, but all that really does is it makes things a holding tank to keep me distracted. That helps sometimes, but sometimes it doesn’t. And there’s a lot that goes on with autism that is just unexplainable. I can’t put it into words to find the words to explain the enormity of the amount of sensory overload that I have from the frustration.

It would kind of be like if I were a mute or if I didn’t have any vocal cords and I were trying to explain something to others. I can form the words, and I can form the thoughts, and the thought processes are all bare, and the inclination is there. It’s the same thing with the social world, with emotions. I can speak to others, but there’s a lot of unspoken things that are lost in translation. So it’s like I’m trying to communicate with people that are picking up smoke signals, if you will.

But I’m not trying to give then I don’t even know I’m giving off, and it’s frustrating. It’s maddening.

It’s why my entire body tells the story of years and decades of not being okay. The first time I ever self harmed was when I went away to College, and by that point I had reached such an apex that the first thought that came to mind was slice open your skin, and it helped. But it’s only a temporary thing, and it’s only a momentary release of I’m good when in fact, I’m not good. And as the years have gone on, my arms are covered in scar tissue, so I don’t know how deep it can get.

And I might not mean to at some point, but accidentally go too far.

And I have actually, but I believe that the Lord has been watching over me as far as my foolishness, my frustration, my inability to cope. I recently overdosed on Benadryl. This would have been two or 3 weeks ago. I didn’t go to the hospital. I didn’t die, but I was not able to talk.

The process of talking just stopped. There are studies that show extended Benadryl use just regular dose over a long period of time. It can lead to dementia. It can lead to cognitive decline as you get older or even in younger people, and it doesn’t metabolize out of the body the same way other things do. It sticks around a whole lot longer than other substances do, and because of that, it’s hard for it to be flushed out of the body.

If I were to go to the hospital, God forbid there would be little at that point they’d be able to do. Because I’ve read several studies where others are younger than me and a little bit older than me have over goes from Benadryl, but I just kind of withdrew throughout my life at different points in time. I’ve taken loads and loads. I’m talking like 100 milligrams a night to try to sleep. It doesn’t work.

Number one, number 2, it just what happened was as I’ve gotten I’m now 37 getting ready to turn 38 next month, September 20, 21. And the part of the brain that processes language and the ability to enunciate and speak those words was just it stopped. It stopped for four days and it scared the hell out of me. But it also I was writing things down and showing a notepad to other people so they could understand. It was embarrassing.

It was frustrating. I did a lot of crying, and there are still some moments where I have like, I don’t stutter, but I have a moment of not the same level, but just a glitch. If that makes any sense. It really was a miracle that nothing else happened to me, but that was a wake up call to not. I tend to overdose on common over the counter things like Robo Tustin or Bene Drill.

Probably not much else other than that. But those two things gave the Dextra Morphin gave me a buzz and it disconnected me, and the Benadryl disconnected me in the sense of putting me to sleep. And when I was in my teenage years, I abused ephedrine because it made me more social. I had more energy, and for a little brief period of time I lost some weight. But really I was drawn to it because of it made me more sociable, kind of a mask, if that makes any sense.

And I was a kid then, and it extended into my 20s in the form of ephedrine buying it online. I’ve taken Benadryl it in order to deal with or not not bother with life, not bother with my depression because it’s been that painful. It’s been that tormenting. I just want I want to sleep forever.

If I can.

I still feel like that? And the thing is, there’s not a pill. There’s not anything I can do to get away from that, other than honestly face this with face this with the Lord. Because without God, I’d be dead by now. I know that for a fact, I’ve wanted to die.

I have asked God to take me home early. Recently I have asked him that I can’t stand depression. I hate it. I hate despairing unto death. But guess what?

That’s nothing. That’s not uncommon to man because you read in the Scriptures. There are quite a few people that despaired unto death that we’re like. Okay, God, take me home. I’m ready to go now.

And God was like, No, I am your strength. I am your refuge. Seek me and I will carry you.

He has carried me, and I can’t carry myself anymore. I just can’t. I’ve been unemployed for since 2019. I was so desperate to work. I took a job that wasn’t suited to me, and I just couldn’t no matter how hard I tried.

I don’t want to argue, I’m tired of justifying myself. I as a female with high functioning autism LOVE where I live, the city/suburb I’m in and wouldn’t change it for the world. The absolute last thing I’ve ever seen is skin color, orientation etc. It angers me frankly that ‘the devils that are’ on both sides regardless of liberal or conservative both sides are playing the blame game NO ONE very few are able to come to the table of reason and freaking talk. 

I say this as an observation the liberal side has gone so left they are now headed to the conservative side aka. those that were classical liberals classic feminist’s etc. no longer are represented, homsexuals that are moderate keep quiet classic Dixiecrats southern libertarians are quiet for the most part as well. 

It hurts my soul to see this happen, discourse is something that we are beyond because everyone has been under house arrest solitary confinement masked up and shut up for 15 months and we are all traumatized, and what I am seeing that is good actually people are tired of it and starting to reach out to one another. Most people are decent it’s the extreme 5 percent ON BOTH SIDES that screw things up for all else. We are not islands, we are American’s, we are the melting pot that has been through worse and both sides the upper elite are culling the population. It’s not conspiracy, it’s happening.

Why are people who got the jab dropping dead days later and not being reported on, why is something that is mutagenetic with no test trials being pushed on younger under 12? people when the older one’s over 50 have been found to react better to it?

How about those that had covid 19 in Oct. Nov. and Dec. of 2019 and have animmunity to it? They don’t need the jab. I remember my entire family being dog sick in December of 2019 and we ran fevers but are just fine now. My mom is a nurse got just one covid shot for her job security and hasbeen fine because she had it in Dec. 2019,and she’s not getting any unnecessary ‘boosters.’

What about Pat Robertson, John hagee, Franklem Gram etc. ‘Christian in name only leaders’ saying get the covid shot? Instead of ‘take it to the Lord in prayer, research it and make your own choice between you and God?’ ‍

Hello blood clots? Hello people dyeing of covid after the shot? Um, it’s not FDA approved, it’s emergency use for almost a year and a half now, both trump and biden are at fault both pushed through bail outs. No one wants to work, but get bail out funny money that will crash FIEAT paper means nothing, forget parednessness, no one thought to get oh bags of rice, solar generators that are quiet and don’t need gas, bottled water, a reverse water filter system, 15 gallon buckets, EMP proof their homes and cars in a cost affective way, not to hord all this stuff but to help others when the grid does go down because our country has not hardened our grid ever so we as citizens need to get smart and get solutions for where we are at that are practical...No one wants to look for solutions but point fingers and take from others and at the end of that is no one has anything and we kill off each other and yes, eat one another if starvation gets bad enough. Look at history and you’ll find this happen throughout out time when kingdoms and empires rose and fell.

Hello censorship and redefined history. OK then. 

Hello all vitamin shops,mom and pop stores, pharmacies etc. and small businesses being bought up by amazon and a few others to control control control…I could go on, but I believe the human population on BL have good heads their shoulders to critically reason and think. (put on your thinking cap) I’m dating myself but that’s what my teachers used to say all the time.

Blarg, I’ve been off all social media, all news, all of it because it is soul sucking and wastes my time. I want to help others, first myself, then those around me.

Some are stubborn and willfully ignorant people that I’ve come to see don’t want to do any of the above mentioned solutions and will because of their foolishness perish for it. I don’t want that for them but they have made their choice.

The parable of The road to destruction is wide and many there go, but the road to life is narrow and few find it dose not just apply to the afterlife, but to life now as we live it. Choose today what you will do, you’ll be better off doing the hard things now then when it’s too late. 😓

“What is Love, Baby don’t hurt me, no more” -Haddaway “What is Love”

“I say ‘honey what is love?’ You just say: “I drink too much” -Nothing but Thieves “I’m Sorry”

Grief, a topic no one wants to talk about, or go through.

Yet she happens all the same. I stopped for death, as Emily Dickinson once put it, death normally doesn’t have welcome visitors.

Normally, she is the least adored of all the fates.

And yet, this May 2021, she paid me a visit in the form of learning of Greg’s passing.

Only so much on this side of the pond I can do.

Yet “do” I did. I looked for the what and whereabouts of my dear friend Greg.

Grief delayed is horrible, unknown where and hows? Shrill, ringing in my skull.

At the end of all this however, I am grateful that my tireless efforts garnered the answer I was looking for, or at least a parshall knowing of.

If I had one last conversation with Greg, I would first say that I loved him and secondly, I slap him silly because he left without my being able to say ‘goodbye.’

“It’s not goodbye, it’s until we meet again.” -Jimmi Hendrix

I have drawn a very poor rendition of the tattoo I now have of my left forearm of the Star of David.

It reminds me of who I am in Jesus, and Whose I am in God.

What prompted this you might ask?

Greg was part of it, he inspired me to be a better person; to be kind and rewind myself.

Greg pulled me back from self-harm more times than I care to remember and oddly in a good way, I don’t have that endless agony.

My faith, tattoo and his memory of selfless gritty love ground me.

Now Greg I tuck you into the bed of my mind.

Goodnight, and until we meet again. Sleep well my friend.

-Your ‘Other’ Autistic Friend,

Hannah Capps

I will follow the Lamb of God, wherever He would lead.

I’ll take up my cross, I’ll count the cost, no matter what it brings.

I’ve found it hard to even sleep as this New Year’s wrung me dry.

Hark the Herald angels sing of new vaccine to try.

RNA ladder ascends to heaven, Jacobs matter, wrestled now we sing.

We though 100, million be, the called out few and far between.

Ham string up the traders, to the cause that’s caused much woe!

We’ve been reaping the whirlwind, because of the wind we’ve sewn.

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