“And I’m not afraid to go, but it goes so slow.” -Jeff Buckley

Am I doing the right thing? Am I even here anymore? 2019-2023 have been full of bloodshot eyes, tear stained pillows, countless ER and psyche hospital visits…

How the hell does my heartbeat hurt so much, why am I still living? Why is Jesus Christ protecting me from myself? Why do I overthink everything, overdose on sleeping pills 5 times in the last 3 years, suffer from mutism, catatonia, self harm to the point of skin grafting, burning my skin…

lit my heart on fire, boy you think you got some? Hell to you liars, living water-got none! The price of your head are the children ‘tween your teeth…the price of life, bends the knee…tongue and cheek, the ire of your day…bitten nose means stay away…

How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?

It’s given me the agility to be able to tackle issues others find dauntingly impossible.

Come and Rest Here? When Do I Breath Out?

9/18/2022 The Course of Events That Took Place Over the Last Two Weeks

On 8/19/2022 I was on the weight loss app “Lose It” via Private Message an individual said,; and I quote: “What’s up shorty?” I preceded to tell this person that on Friday night service at church I would bathroom and become so anxious that I would slash myself or I’d curl myself into the women’s bathroom until service was finished as I rocked back fourth on a toilet seat weeping into paper towelette in order to muffle the sounds of my sobbing.

I proceeded to to tell this individual that 20 pills would tie me over on Friday night sermons and remain calm enough to addend and commune with fellow congregates, Sense 2020 I have had deteriorating mental health, anxiety and acute depression.

I sternly asked this individual not contact me again, and then blocked them. I don’t know how they found my address. I was asked if I “needed something to feel less stressed out at church on Friday night to which I said: “Yes, I do. It would help me deal with the very intense anxiety that I experience when I do go.”

I notated that on 8/26/2022 there was a black luxury car perhaps a Mitsubishi? When the drivers side was briefly opened I saw two individuals, I wasn’t sure of the race of the diver. The man on the passenger side was a black individual took a package to the front porch of the house; and hurriedly left a brown package from his trunk and placed it on my front porch.

The windows of the car very were darkly tinted. I didn’t get the licensee place number of the automobile. There were two individuals in the I noted inside the vehicle. There was a nondescript package that was quickly dropped off on my front porch. They then proceeded to speed away.

8/27-8/28 2022, I proceeded to fill two bottles of 0.5 Clozapine in order to avoid autistic stemming, such as banging my head against a wall before church, or cutting myself before I walk into church. I took this in order to be lucid enough to enjoy and fellowship without the worry of my “issues.”

Friday July 1, 2022, I ended up cutting myself in the church parking lot before I wept into service. The Rabbi’s team called 911 and the EMT’s showed up and took me to the ER that night. There were two women from church who stayed for a while to make sure I was OK and shortly there after I was released.

Out of shame, I have not been back to Friday night service, because I’m mortified by the many people that I’ve come to know over the past 10 years; Some of which unfortunately, have passed away, and this has only added to the above mentioned issues.

I was raped by these vile people and filed a police today on 9/9/2022 and no one took me seriously. It’s why I keep my hair short.

I am submitting the information as I recall it.

Paper Pants

It’s OK to have black pants with a red tie,
It’s OK to crawl and scream out, ADONAI!

It’s OK to be held and yell out God’s Name.
It’s OK because He’s felt the same.

He’s been betrayed, bruised and cast aside.
At His lowest He was thrice denied.

He was counted among the poor, lost and broken.
As He hung on the Cross, His Life our Token.

To the one criminal who cursed God and died,
And the other who was with Him in Paradise.

Ages have passed and nothing’s changed,
Some still choose to curse His Name.

But sister nightbirde whispered in my ear,
“God’s on the bathroom floor, and to the broken draws near.”

In memory of nightbirde and inspired by my recent 72 hour hospital stay.

I Will Use My Voice

My bodies autonomy isn’t your commodity.

Get your hands off my kids, data gained mind biz.

‘Yuck-in’ shoehorned your way in,

My ‘Vote’ didn’t count, your ‘promises’ you flout.

Disregarding the discord your ‘Marshall Plan’ will cause.

VCHEW’ing out the righteous, all to Carlyle’s gaping maw.

Fool’s gold you’ve sold for souls,

Gutters blood of innocence untold.

Fuhrer’s emblem around your neck,

or is that fury’s ‘placebo effect?’

‘Devils that are’ don’t speak for me!

You and your kind, the ‘powers that be.’

Lioness of Judea within me ROARS,

Tiptoe tulips, your own traps fall sore.

Like it or not, My Redeemer LIVES

Unto Him Alone, my praise I give!

Every knee WILL bow and tongue confess,

From Atheist to Muslim with all the rest.

Governors and Rulers will crawl to God’s Throne.

Each tribute offered unto Him Alone.

Thanks Anyway, Circler Reasoning

Muzzled tight upon my face, replaced with known “common grace.”

Tossing aside your empty beer, not as “compassionate” as you appear.

Used excuses “got through to you.”

Thanks anyway, I’ll be in a zombie zoom room.

See something, say something? “Facts checked” or is it fat checks?

Do you even know the difference between, “civil city riots”, “mostly peaceful”?

King’s echoed “content of character”, shat upon.

Self-masturbatory, “masters degree”, in the art of flies;

Flung in faces of rotting dry eyes.

Setting sun over a broken mirror.

Distributing disabled water, Molotov lit hate;

A reflection of abomination fate.

My Artwork Over The Last Four Years … 2.jpg?dl=0 … 2.jpg?dl=0 … 2.jpg?dl=0 … 2.jpg?dl=0 … 2.jpg?dl=0 … 3.jpg?dl=0 … 2.jpg?dl=0 

Exemplifies where my headspace/mental state has been (or lost) over the last four hellish years…

CV19 Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I’ve been reluctant to even post this, most have had issues with CV19 and the insane unnecessary ‘lock downs’ that did more to general mental health of many people than twenty 9/11’s ever could. The year 2020 that I couldn’t attend church was awful, I never miss services because that is where a lot of my mental, emotional and spiritual support has come from…

Online services were OK for 3 months but after this during the summer of 2020 I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital for the month of July 2020…

After this event my attendance was very sporadic, wearing unneeded masks and not being allowed to sing broke me…and I’ve come to realize this was and is part of the plan, to break the spirit of people…Tell me, how much sense did it make Lowes was open no masks but church’s were muzzled up? Or or oh you are not allowed to sing because of droplets what the heck? 

Does anyone notice how Christians, conservatives, 2A Folk, constitutionalists, and anti-jab folk are being blamed for everything that is wrong? It’s happened many times in history, blame society’s ills on a scape goat group of people…Happened in Ancient Rome, Communist Russia, Nazi Germany, Communist Cuba, Communist Venezuela and now The United Socialist States of America…

Most of 2021 I missed church even after the masks came off and services resumed, PTSD folks…I did go when I felt up to it, but I cannot count the number of Sundays that I ran out midway through the service sobbing and having a panic attack…Countless incenses of being in the church parking lot and cutting myself after my Xanax prescription was stopped…

2021 was hell, and when I try to talk to people to the church I’ve been attending for 10 years, very few respond, most don’t know what to say or do…I used to greet at the front doors before services, I used to sing my heart out, I used to never miss a single service…Now I’m a different person, more of a lifeless empty shell of myself…I still read my Bible daily, but many times the pages become tear stained and the words smudge but it reflects my heart…

God says he keeps my tears in a bottle, He says He’s close to the brokenhearted, to the crushed in sprit…And He truly is, Jesus is the reason I am still alive today, I’ve tried to take my life 3 times in the last two years, yet I’m not dead, but declaring God’s works in the land of the living…It’s been a shadow of death and bitter sweet, I am not afraid of much any more, I tire of the rhetoric, I tire of the lies and I echo what is said at the end of the Bible, ‘Come Lord Jesus, Come.’

His Ways

You God, are The Way,

Not a way, nor any truth, not any life.

You God are life in abundance.

Your thoughts are not mine,

Yet, You know the thoughts you have towards me.

Giving me a hope and a future in You Alone.

For You Alone God, Are The Way Maker,

You Alone Jesus, are Divine.

Your Love is sweeter than wine!

There is no High, like the Most High God.

You a Humble, Gentle but Just and Loving God.

Your Ways are Pure, in You Alone I am secure!